DERF

Derf: the time/place between what used to be and what isn't yet fully formed/happening in one's life.

Derf occurs in periods of recovery; before/after a big move; before/after a new job, relationship, etc. Perhaps you've been there?  Perhaps you're there right now.

Derf:  What is Derf?  How do I feel/think/react in this state?

-Derf is a state of mind

-seems like a place

-the ground is uneven here: watch your step

-I feel light on my face

-here, they have all kinds of weather

-I feel lithe, physically, for the first time in a LONG time! Yet,   I don't have the same strength, buoyancy, flexibility or stamina I had 10 years ago.  Will I ever? (yes, one must figure in aging as well as moving through Derf.)

-am I a visitor here?   should I apply for residency? 

-Is my task here in Derf like the actor's who stays in place while the background turns or rolls away, revealing a new scene?  

-how will I know if I should  mobilize ?

-How did I get here?  It would be tedious to retrace my steps.  Note: there are people selling maps out there.

 [ Don't waste your money.]  Like a thrilling child's tale, "everybody has to find their own way" to Derf.  There are wise guides (...you know her name) to help us, but I've come to believe that each person must do his/her own customized work to find their way here. Life: it's highly individualized.

-I feel "Better" than I did before

-I can feel more.  I can articulate more effectively what I'm feeling.  I have begun speaking up for myself in close relationships when I feel discounted, cut off, undermined, brushed off, ignored, passed by. I can tell when that's happened because I feel awful in my tummy and clutchy at my throat.

-some of what I do and say in Derf seems to run counter to the way I was raised.  I'm doing it anyway, bracing for the backlash.  I believe God is big enough to hold me (for comfort & safety, not restraining) and the others in the encounter while I sort through etiquette details in this new land. 

-I  exhale frequently here.  And, then exhale again. It's not the huffy, "fhmph!" exhale. It's just a long slow out-breath. Feels good. Feels calm. Feels safe.  So very different.

-when I feel like I'm growing wings while I've been here, I wonder if I should apply for a new ID badge.  Is this like the caterpillar and butterfly thing, where the newbie is unrecognizable?  Does anybody really know who I am?  [leastwise me?]

-Occupation:  ____   Oh my.

 I am a teacher. But, I'm not teaching, except out of habit.  Certainly no W2's involved. 

Do you think they'd accept:

watching trees grow; sitting on my back porch swing, staring; creating and tending a beautiful corner lot garden for all the neighbors to enjoy; dead-heading cosmos, calendula, petunias; weeding; watering; singing; playing the piano; reading; knitting; sharing cappuccino with my husband before he goes to work; making the occasional magazine cut & paste collage?

-Feels like an extended retreat.

-I feel calmer

-appreciative:  fabric, good smells -lavendar & sheets hung outside to dry in the sun!

-enjoy crossing the midline (it's a movement thing); going from symmetrical to a-symmetrical and back again.  moving forward and back; walking backwards just for fun

-feels like my feet are under me, supporting me. I feel like doing some heel-tapping jigs sometimes. 

-I love the feeling of water, in the pool; from the hose in the back yard.  I can feel it on my skin.  I can feel it on my feet - cool crisp refreshing water.  When I go to the pool, I don't feel competitive.  I don't try to push or pull my body parts around.   I just am.  There to enjoy the water.  If  it's quiet in there and I feel like making a lot of vocalizations or huffing/blowing/ phewwing sounds,[ to entertain myself],  I just move away from the other patrons.  Then,  I can enjoy my noises and not alarm them.

Derf is such a good change from what was, that I expect to keep following that light I can see and feel in front of me. "This is working for me," as they say.  I hope some of the companions I've met on this journey so far will come with me if I follow along to yet another land between lands.

Thanks for reading.